Baby Chronicles 3: A Single Girl considers adoption through Foster Care


Baby class was cancelled today…whew !

The only problem is that means class will need to be
rescheduled and we will graduate 1 week later. It’s
like the bittersweet anticipation of a snowday. Great
when it happens, but sucky when you are sitting in
class during summer on one of those lamentable make up
days.

See, if I impregnated myself (immaculata), I would not
need a “make up day”. Harvested moms don’t need to do
embarrassing reinactments  or sit vulnerable in a room
of strangers and explain why they want their child.
They don’t need to fill out applications or take
physical or psychological exams. This process is
almost as painful as squeezing a melon through a straw
(you know what i am getting at) !

I admit I am cranky. I am scared. There is a woman at
work who is also going through the process to adopt as
a single mom. I think she’s strong for doing this, but
sometimes I stare at her and think…. what does this
say to the future men in her life ? Why is she really
doing this ? Is she crazy ?

I am sure these questions could be asked about me as
well.

I find myself talking to everyone I am close to about
this process. It is almost as bad as if I was indeed
PREGNANT. I get strange cravings for moochi green tea
ice cream and cry for no reason. I have Motherhood
magazines in the bathroom (a kind donation from a
friend) and read Adoption books at the local cafe,
instead of spending my time scouting out hot single
men. So far I have read about lactation, and stretch
marks and that funky smell I shall not discuss – none
of which MY birthing experience will bring forth (well
maybe the stretch marks and stench, if I keep eating
too many moochi balls). I daydream about my baby
shower – for a 4 year old ! “Please Welcome ‘Little Y’
to the world, 41 lbs, 9 oz, 32″ tall ! ”
Crazy!
(By the way you are all invited)

I think about money, and that I have to trade in my
new convertible. I worry that I won’t be able to get
to work on time, since I can hardly wake, bathe and
dress myself now- let alone take care of someone else.
Someone who might not be like the little kids on the
cereal commercials – all smiles and good teeth.
Someone who might be a TERROR on occasion, and even
more high maintanace than ME (is that possible ?).

I think about my shoe collection. It will be a long
time before I sache in my Prada snake and satin
stilettos again! Will I still have time and pocket
change to keep a revolving stock of silk camis and
thongs? (they keep you so warm in the winter and are
great for a last minute rendezvous.)

Oh yeah, and I can forget about those last minute
rendezvous, cause all overnight visitors will need to
have a background check from the State. 

You know, I was never a loose woman, but I kinda wish
I had been so I would have something to be remorseful
of setting aside. 
Ok, maybe no pool boys, but what amazing memories.

barcelona- remember T ?
nice-how nice
cannes – hiking in France alone
monaco- the beautiful people
santa fe- healing and growing
palm springs- finding the healer in me
sri lanka- when everything changed
new york- when everything changed again
st. louis- that unfortunate year of denim jumpers and
too much blush
thailand- transforming journeys  taken alone, to scary
places so  differrent than my “own”
hong kong- witnessing a monsoon
seoul, korea- the “grossout” eating contest where I
came in second place because I would not eat the
strange moving jelly cube fish thing.
bolton- borning
london- ok
canal street- groped by the scary asian man in the
secret room of the counterfeit handbag shop- no fake
gucci is worth that !
jerez de la frontera – mi corazon es contigo siempre
rangely lake- TO LIFE!

Precious.

Maybe it’s not goodbye to my life but a jorney through
another chapter. I am sure with time and courage,the
new memories will be even more dear. More real. More
precious.

Since there was no baby class, I thought I would find
you a poem instead. My heart goes out to each of you.
Thank you for your support and love.

 

Poem: “How to Live” by Charles Harper Webb, from
Amplified Dog. © Red Hen Press. 

How to Live 

          “I don’t know how to live.”
                                                
Sharon Olds

Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu
pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes
and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.
Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.
Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends

who’ll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar
in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,
Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.
See Peckinpah’s Straw Dogs, and everything Monty
Python
 made.
Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly

as you can. Wish them as well as you’re able.
Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch
spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-
bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours
the soul. But being a patsy sours it too. If you cause

a car wreck, and aren’t hurt, but someone is,
apologize
silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully
away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.
Don’t be a drunk, or any kind of “aholic.” It’s bad
English, and bad news. Don’t berate yourself. If you
lose

a game or prize you’ve earned, remember the winners
history forgets. Remember them if you do win. Enjoy
success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,
but don’t make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that
misery. Take them to the beach. Mail order sea

monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on
ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle
in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don’t
thrive
on suffering. There’s nothing noble about pain. Die
if you need to, the best way you can. (You define
best.)

Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put
store-
bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach.
Unless
you’re tone deaf, own Perlman’s “Meditation from
Thais.”
Don’t look for hidden meanings in a cardinal’s song.
Don’t think TV characters talk to you; that’s crazy.

Don’t be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good
friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate
in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive
the Great Barrier Reef. Don’t touch the coral. Watch
for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don’t say
“Cheese.”

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