A Secret…


Trying to sit in the moment today. I awoke to the most beautiful snowfall. Well, from the inside of my cozy condo its beautiful. If I was a traffic cop or a manhole worker I might not think so. I guess it’s all about perspective.

The Bear has asked me to stop reading so many blogs right now. I think he has a point, although I really don’t believe in censorship. It’s just that I can be in the most positive and centered place, and then I start reading. I think I wear my soul on the outside because I really FEEL everything and my heart is going out to many ladies right now. I can’t begin to expres how much I feel when I hear someone is hurting.

I wish I could just stay in my grounded place, exhaling deeply, and not wear so much of this on my heart. But Infertility is so hard, and once you experience it you feel somehow bonded with others on the journey with you. Even if you haven’t met them (yet).

I guess that’s why we created RubyFeather. As a way of reaching out.

Someone once asked me why I chose to call this blog Romancing the Stone. It’s not because of the film. I feel that infertility is this dance that you seem to do with yourself. You may have a partner in it (or not) or family and friends for support (or not) but inevitably you feel incredibly ALONE. Sometimes you look at your body as if you are an outsider, examining and judging every nuance, every curve and blunder. But if you can learn NOT to judge it, to somehow love it’s flaws and it’s honest womanliness would you be happier? For a time, after a major fibroid surgery, I was mad at my body. I thought that life would never take root inside it. Now I am trying every day to love it a little more. Whether a child comes into our lives through our bodies and our cells, or through adoption, I know the Bear and I will have a family. I used to think of my uterus as a STONE. A non-living hard stone. Now I try to think of it as a FLOWER. No matter what springs forth from it.

So that’s me today. I am hoping for a day of rest where I can eat matzoh ball soup and wear my pj’s all day and snuggle up with my big Bear. The fireplace is to my left, David Brubeck is playing on the Ipod, and the snow is draping the windows of nearby Victorians outside my living room.

Sit in grace, I hear my little voice saying. Ground yourself. Exhale…..

Wishing you peace and a warm refuge.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. I know what you mean about the blogs. 6 years ago I was treated for thyroid cancer. I work in a hospital and everybody around me kept saying “well, if you’re gonna have cancer, thats the one to have!” But even though everything people were telling me was extremely positive, I kept reading these horror stories on the internet written by people with thyroid cancer. As it turned out, I was fine. I had a complete thyroidectomy, high dose radioactive iodine (standard protocol) and I’ve been fine ever since. I remember I used to tell my doctor about all the horror stories when he’d try to tell me how easy this was going to be. One day he finally got mad at me. “Gina, you have got to stop reading that stuff! A lot of people are treated for this and go on to live long happy lives. Those people don’t write on the internet! Because they are going on with their lives!”

    I keep trying to remember what that doctor said as I go through fertility treatments. And I try to imagine that, all over the world, women over 40 are getting knocked up and having healthy babies right and left and we don’t even know about it. To an extent, I’m convinced that reading about the hurt causes me to plug-in to it and could be hindering my fertility. But, it’s sort of like adopting a bunch of good friends and reading their blogs is the only way to show your support.

    Reply

    • Posted by romancingthestone on December 20, 2009 at 10:56 am

      I agree! You have to do both I guess. Read and support but also be good to yourself. Thanks for sharing your story! Hugs.

      Reply

  2. The blog world has made me realize that there are so many things that can go wrong. I’m still shocked and amazed whenever someone manages to find success. But I find hope in it too. No matter how many things go wrong, there are a lot of happy endings. I find comfort in your warm words. 🙂

    Reply

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