Jeez and Crackers!

I had a very religious girlfriend who used to say things like “Jeez and crackers!!!” instead of swearing. We began to look forward to her creative explicatives in the hopes of adding on to our vocabulary.

I’m not sure why I thought of this. But I do know that all morning I have been hoping for a SIGN. Something to just let me know my feelings of pregnancy insanity and hormone-induced melancholy are NORMAL and EXPECTED.

I’ve been sleeping an obscene amount and I still wake up tired. I am 9 weeks pregnant today and I am still trying to be “pragmatic” about the whole thing. Like the thoughts of a vacation you have always wanted to take, you litter your house with travel pamphlets and tour books and you dream…but will that day ever come? Why did I think that I would radiate a heavenly glow upon the news that I was WITH CHILD and feel nothing but exuberance for 9 months? I SHOULD be exuberant, but my head says “wait”, and my heart says “protect yourself” and my conscience feels guilty and mad because so many other women I love are still struggling through this…..

Plus, I feel nauseous all the time, and I feel GUILTY for being irritated by this, when I should be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.

Jeez and crackers! There’s still a long way to go to get to bliss. It’s not some place on a map or in a tour book. Life seems to evolve, unfold, and become less mysterious as we progress through it. However, there is not a doorway that we pass through, and once on the other side, everything is CHANGED. At least I have not found it yet.

In addition, I think my husband is an alien. The more he fluffs pillows under my head and tells me my new fat is beautiful the more I feel that he has been possessed by some strange being! He coos at my stomach like I’m a puppy and has told his WHOLE family about our joyous news. Every Italian aunt and uncle in Massachusetts knows the status of my womb and it frightens me. Where’s my big, tough Boston boy who used to call me on my sh@t and flirt with me?

I just want to be an incubator right now. I want to be surrounded by a wait staff of pastry chefs and massage therapists (my fantasy of poolboys revisited) and I don’t want anyone else coming NEAR ME. IS this pregnancy insanity or WHAT??????

Can anyone help me? Anyone?

9 responses to this post.

  1. giggle. 🙂 Cooing at your stomach. That’s too cute with a mental image of a tough Boston boy doing it! It should be easy after you see those two lines right? Nope. More worry and obsessing in store. I hope that after you pass the first trimester that you will feel a little more at ease. Now go grab that pastry. 🙂


  2. I have a friend who say’s, “Oh, what the HEY!” and “FRIG YOU!”

    Your blog is really great, btw.



  3. Oh…you are soo pregnant, woman! Wait until 2nd trimester…the hormones REALLY kick your a**! I will direct you to this post from when I was pregnant with Willow:

    As for being really tired–that should pass for a while in the 2nd trimester.

    And as for being cautious–that is just your infertile insanity…and it doesn’t ever fully go away. So, just keep it at bay with every hurdle and milestone you go through on this journey.

    I am so happy for you!


  4. Posted by FenixRizing on January 18, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I’m going to speak to the part of you that is waiting to feel joyous… don’t wait. Feel joy about your pregnancy when you feel it, and feel anxious when you feel it. But please, don’t stifle the joy until a later time. Speaking from experience, I had every reason to feel nothing but anxiety and worry during my (brief) pregnancy. But I kept thinking that if the worst happened and my boys didn’t make it, I didn’t want to look back on my pregnancy and wish I had enjoyed that time more.

    So I did my very best to remember each moment and relish the times I felt so incredibly fortunate to experience being pregnant, even if I never got to be a mother.

    I’m glad I did that… and it hurt like hell almost six months later. But I still remember being overjoyed during my time of carrying my sons.

    It’s ok to be irritated about being nauseous!! LOL!!! I’m not saying you’ll be glowing and smiling every day – I know I wasn’t. But just feel the joy when it comes instead of pushing it away for a time you think is more appropriate. NOW is appropriate!!

    And, by the way, you ARE glowing.

    love to you,


    • Posted by romancingthestone on January 18, 2010 at 7:37 pm

      Love back to you. You are very brave and never fail to inspire me. Now remember to say what you feel, and stay away from the triscuits! Love, M


      • Posted by FenixRizing on January 26, 2010 at 3:57 pm

        LOL!! I’m touched that you find some of my antics and experiences inspiring. It helps to know that all is not in vain.

        I said what I felt!! I don’t think he heard me. HA! oh well, at least I said it.

        much love back to you, my dear friend.

  5. Posted by H G on January 21, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I’m so glad I found your blog. I’m 9 weeks pregnant and feel EXACTLY THE SAME. I’ve actually been feeling kind of lonely- because none of my girlfriends have had babies yet, and my work is very male oriented, and this is the first grandchild/niece/nephew on both sides…and I just feel isolated. My husband is wonderful and so loving and attentive, but the little bean is in my belly and I’m the one who has to pee 50 times a night.

    Anyway, thanks for writing this. I feel so much better.


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