Deep Thoughts : )


Hey there! I have no original ideas of my own today, so I leave you with a few quotes from Jack Handey.

==========
One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke.  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
decided to go home instead.
==========
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the 
face.
==========
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.
==========
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having 
sex.
==========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another 
cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
==========
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
==========
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
==========
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?
==========
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
==========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
==========
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I
guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
==========
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
==========
To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda scary.  I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
==========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.
==========
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
==========
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching.
==========
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
==========
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody:  First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any
extra garbage  that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and
take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
garbage guy.
==========
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is 
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
==========
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
==========
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think
a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust me,
it's not.
==========
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look
out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
=========
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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Michael on May 13, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Thanks, Shell, I got a really good laugh from these, and I’m passing them along.

    Reply

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