Club Bedd- The journey on the gurney


It’s late and I can’t sleep.

My days at Club Bedd are monotonous, but filled with quiet poetry.

Every morning, I am wheeled down on a stretcher for a non-stress test. They hook me up to a machine to check the baby’s vitals and check his heart  rate. If he “passes” I get to be wheeled back to my room. If he “fails” they send me to ultrasound, of for four hour monitoring. Most of the time ,  Baby Jake passes, but I have to bribe him with chocolate muffins to get him movin’ and groovin’. I have gained 3 pounds in a week, but it’s that overachiever mother thing, I just don’t want my kid to fail!

The hardest thing about  going for the test is not the test itself, but the journey on the gurney. I dress in my finest “day clothes” and try to show a little humor, but it’s still hard to be pushed around like you are sick. Cute girls from “outside” of the hospital are also being monitored in the same lab. They walk by my stretcher in pretty little sundresses and look at my bump as if I have some illness they hope not to catch. I AM NOT SICK! I say to myself. My baby just wanted to be born at the Home Depot!!!!  Still, I can’t begin to tell you how these petulant glances have eaten away at me.

Sometimes, they will wheel me passed a new mom, with the nurse pushing her teenie newborn in a clear plastic isolette. “Good luck” we  say to one another, and offer a wish and a smile.

Today, I was able to pay what little strength I have forward. I met a beautiful young girl down in the lab. They pushed our gurney’s together as we waited for testing. She has only been here a week and went in to labor at 26 weeks. She was frightened. I told her every empowering thing that has been said to me during my time here, in an effort to pass some of it along and comfort her. I think I was able to make her feel better. “We are in such good hands.” I said , and realized that I believed this with all of my heart.

There is a woman in the room next to mine, who has been here about 8 weeks. She crochets tiny, gorgeous animals all day long. Sometimes, I see her in the lab and we humor each other with “gurney jokes.” I can’t explain what a gurney joke is, but if you are on a stretches or bed rest long enough, you think you are incredibly funny when you tell one.

A lady rabbi came to visit me yesterday. I was having the worst day so far and I guess G-d sent her over. She had silver hair and silver eyes, and I really liked her. She asked the Bear and me how we were doing, and said a little prayer in Hebrew for me and baby Jake. She called me a sacred vessel. “Be strong, little one.” I whispered our baby.

The first week I was here in the hospital, I spent a lot of energy reassuring friends and family that I was okay. The second week, I sort of shut down. The third week, I began to implode, with horrible crying jags and thoughts of running away, or worse. The Bear was worried, and stayed over, cuddling with me in my twin sized crib. I’m better now. Friday will mark 21 days. That’s three weeks that Baby Jake has had the chance to develop where he is quiet and safe. Three weeks of little miracles so far. I feel nervous to write it down for fear of jinxing it. 

I cannot tell you how good it feels to be fully present, even through this challenging time, and to thank G-d for small miracles.

I think of my friends, family and loved ones (you know who you are). I could not do this without you.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. oh Shell, what a journey on a gurney. I can’t imagine how strange it would be to be restricted to bed rest for such a long time, and I’m so pleased that baby Jake is doing well and that you are well cared for. You’re an inspiration as always. x

    *Sending a lil love right back at ya’. Shell

    Reply

  2. Thinking of you and Jake and Bear.

    Reply

  3. Thoughts, prayers and lots of positive energy coming your way!

    Reply

  4. Posted by Linda on June 19, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I just read your lastest update of you, Jacob and Bear. Michele Dad and I just want to tell you how we are with you and Tom and Jacob in your journey and even thou we are three thousand miles away we really are right next to you in our thoughts, prayers and we know G-d is with you all too, making sure you all are going to be fine. Your sister, brother in law and Bella feel the same. The first thing everyone says to each other is did you speak to Michele today and tell me everything. That was so nice what you said to the young girl and how upbeat you are, even thou sometimes you don’t think you are thats my Michele- You are a strong young woman, a smart one that will be a great mother, wife as you are a wonderful daughter and we as your parents will say that. Chin up Jacob needs you and Tom, and you have many people who love and care about you all. WE LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.MOM AND DAD

    Reply

  5. I’m so glad you and Baby Jake are receiving such great care. It’s wonderful that you were able to pass on some of the support you’ve received so far. Sending good thoughts and prayers for the health and safety of you both.

    Reply

  6. Wow. I have never heard anyone talk about what bed rest time must be like. It sounds incredibly difficult and frustrating, but hang in there! Wishing you health and strength.

    All the best,
    Pixie

    Cheese Curds and Kimchi

    Reply

  7. Oh my! I know it seems so far away but you’re so close, too. I hope your “stay” becomes more tolerable for you. It sounds like you’re surrounded by great people regardless. Best of luck to you!

    Reply

  8. Oh I feel for you, constant bedrest must be crazy making! I hope the time flies for you and little Jake arrives safely 🙂

    Reply

  9. Bed rest is the worst but I’m glad your little guy is still growing. Hopefully the time passes quickly and you have your little guy in your arms.

    Reply

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