Traversing the summit

It’s been forever since I have written. Jacob is six months old now and sleeping upstairs. Today is a vacation day, but I find myself at the computer.I have team reviews to write, but I find myself distracted.

The snow outside is exquisite. It blankets our yard, and gentle shadows cascade across its surface. I want to roll around in it. Taste it. Come in chilled and wet and exhilarated.

I realized this week that I have been motivated (and often immobilized) by fear. Anxiety about “the worst” happening has seemed to put me in retrograde. Everyone has one of those fault lines. The dark crevass of our psyche where the “worst case sinario” seems to beckon, exascerbating our fears. My family is wonderful and healthy, my marriage solid, my job is exciting. Still, when you have spent your life building things up, you sometimes get consumed by the idea that they can so easily come tumbling down.

I have realized that in my quest to keep everything moving, I am beginning to loose pieces of myself. In fact, some things are moving in the wrong direction! I am like a hiker that has made it to the summit, only to find that she’s climbing the wrong mountain! Although the view is lovely, there are some things that I have lost along the way. I need to pack up, and lighten the load, and make it back down the hill. I’ll only carry what is necessary, like my child and my values. I’ll walk in step with my husband. At times, we can coax the other on, when one feels they cannot continue. When we get back down to the base camp we will decide what we really need for our next adventure. We will leave the gunk behind, pack a little lighter, and set out for the true summit. We will rest, breathe deep and take time for love. This adventure is not time bound!

So, here I go. being a little vague because I have to be. Just know that I will take you with me. And the view along the way, though rough at times, will be lovely.

3 responses to this post.

  1. Good to hear from you! 6 months already?! Wow! Looking forward to following your journey.


  2. That went by so fast!

    I totally get the whole anxiety thing. I think it’s surprisingly hard to go through IF and a tough pregnancy and then suddenly have what you want. It’s SCARY, because you’re so used to things going wrong.

    I look forward to keeping up with your journey as it unfolds. Wherever you’re going, I hope you find happiness there!


  3. Posted by Betsy on January 17, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    What a great and inspiring thread. I love the way you described it.. climbing the summit, lightening the load.

    And what a coincidence that I’m reading this on my birthday. Certainly things to think about as I think about my journey. I’ve realized I dwell (and that’s an understatement) on the things I don’t have. And, I realize it just takes so much mental energy to always have certain things in the back of my mind. Just not sure how to… you know, incorporate it.

    Best to you and your journey.

    PS — I think you are a great writer.. perhaps a book to be written?


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