Posts Tagged ‘trying to conceive’

Sunny Side Up

Isn’t it always this way?

SUNNY SIDE UP

Good news: We officially have a DOZEN EGGS.

12 lil egglets growing and waiting… Making them has not been the big issue in the past. It’s been the egg quality due to my ripe robust age. But let’s not think of past setbacks or current limitations. There is nothing I can do about my age. It’s a beautiful age. Wise and sensual. The experiences in my life have made me the person that I am today. I could not erase one precious year from life’s resume (okay, maybe 1996 but I am not going there!). This is who I am- and it’s so much MORE than a number on a medical chart!

The Doc wants me to go one more day before the trigger shot. That’s good news. I can celebrate thanksgiving with my new Italian family and then concentrate on baby-making right after.

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SCRAMBLED

Bad News: THE CALL…

I was getting ready to leave work and have dinner with a girlfriend when I got the call. It was the DAY CARE center at my company. I’ve been on the “waiting list” for about 10 months and they were trying to reach me through the wrong email. Seems my number came up. Feigning gratitude, I thank her for her call and tell her that we are still trying, and we hope to have a “new member” for them in 9 months to a year. She replies that it’s their manager’s policy to only have PREGNANT WOMEN on the waiting list. ( In other words, women who are REALLY having babies!) I swallowed hard. The room got bigger and I felt about 2 feet tall.

“You have to be pregnant to sign up for day care.” She says. As if I didn’t understand her the first time! As if one plus one always equals two.

Big gulp of air. “Well, I WAS pregnant then…… Unfortunately I am not anymore.”

Silence.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” More silence……then chirpy like a caged bird she says “Well, we are happy to keep your deposit check so you can use it at a later date. Just call us back when you are ready to have a baby. Good luck!”

I am ready to have a baby! It’s just my body and my eggs who were not!

Why today???? Why when I am so close to IVF #3? So amped up on hormones. It makes me think of how hopeful I was when I signed up at the day care. The little children playing outside. It was spring then. “That’s the nursery” I remember her saying, and pointing to a doorway I was not ready to pass through.

It’s a lie that they don’t take names of future-mothers. The wait is over a year long, so people sign up once they begin trying. In fact, someone who worked there encouraged me to sign up when I did. Have I now missed my chance and my name has gone to the bottom of the list?

I wrote her back and said that I was uncomfortable with the situation, and to give us 2 weeks to get back to her if we were preggers or not. If she denies this I will go to the manager and speak with him. I’m a great negotiator with big contracts and accounts, but this conversation brought me to tears.

I’ve never felt so barren in my life.

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OVER EASY!

aka THE STUPID THINGS THAT KILL YOU.

Last month a friend(???) and colleague of mine proclaimed that she had “the OPPOSITE PROBLEM as me, because her husband would just have to look at her and she’d get pregnant.” Giggle giggle, “And look,” she cooed “my whole team is pregnant, first X, then Y. It must be the water around here!”

I wish I had a sticker book and every butthead-commenter would get one right between the eyes. That way, every unsuspecting person who crossed their path would know when to WATCH OUT!

What a day!

Make it a Dozen!

I have 10 egglets so far! Just little seedlings of things to come but the RE said it’s very promising. They lowered my stim meds because my estrodial level was soaring too quickly. They called me a high responder? Sounds like the nerdy kid at the front of the classroom with her eager  hand up in the air  (yes that WAS me! Nerdy girl).

I just wish that the quality of my old eggs matches my body’s enthusiasm.

41.

To have found love at 40 and be trying to conceive at 41. It’s kinda crazy. I have colleagues at work with pre-teens with body hair. But hey, I always imagined I’d be successful and unattached, travel the world and have many lovers. I was lucky in the regard that I DID get to live the life I longed for. I checked off many of the boxes on my life-list and eventually I decided to rewrite my list. I remember telling a friend, who was struggling in an unhealthy relationship, to figure out where he wanted to be on the day he died, and work backwards. I realized I needed to heed my own advice and decide what stories I wanted to have at the end of my life. 

That story led me to where I am today. 

If I am indeed “working backwards” than I know intuitively what I hope lies ahead. I don’t know how I will get there yet, but I am happy to be on this journey toward a deeper truth.

So my 10 little egglets are making their way in the world. The Bear came with me to the ultrasound today but I couldn’t stop laughing when it was time for the dildocam. There’s something about your lover seeing you with your legs in the air and a plastic probe under your gown that really makes you self-conscious (you THINK!!!!). And the gown- Jeezus- that’s the first thing I’d like to redesign! How bout something RED and fabulous for all of us strong, mighty bitches out there!

(I mean bitches in the nicest way- if you are on meds I am sure you know that!)


The Golden Goose

On the way to the Hospital to get a bloodtest, I watched a flock of geese navigate the busy highway. One would expect them to fly across, ascending past the swiftly moving cars that were in their way. Maybe they were lazy, but they chose to walk across. All twenty of them! Chests out, beaks pointing upward.

Obviously if you had to pit a goose -even twenty geese- up against a swerving, angry car, the geese would, in all probability, get creamed. What goose in their right mind would CHOOSE to waddle across a Boston thoroughfare at rush hour! But here they were, sachaying proudly toward their destination, the last patch of green grass in the city square.

I feel like one of those geese today. Chest out, walking briskly towards the hospital. Sachaying towards ….what? Perhaps the odds are not in my favor. Maybe the machine of fate and infertility is bigger than me. But still I’m walking!!! Confronting it head on.  And now I have sisters.I have lifelong girlfriends and my own sister as well as new partners I’ve made on this journey. We’re all golden geese crossing the highway together. Prancing around with our RubyFeathered tails.

There is strength in numbers.

Faith trumps Fear.


Love,
Shell