Posts Tagged ‘ttc’

A Trek Toward the Summit

Written Jan. 1, 2010

Have you ever experienced a really challenging hike? Maybe it was something a little more ambitious than your body or mind expected? Hopefully you were traveling with a friend or loved one, and they kept you going, even when things got scary. I am sure there were times when you felt like giving up. When no amount of breaks of powerbars could motivate you to continue! Oh, the quivering muscles and the thought of yet another mile or two through a narrow pass!

But do you remember when you finally made it to that first plateau? Still far far from the summit, but it was that first time the incline broke for a moment and you had a steady solid place to secure your footing. The air was cool and crisp and the view amazing! You’ve made it (this far) ! For a moment, you could take a breath, indulge in a short rest and relish in your courage and accomplishment.


That’s where  I am right now. This moment makes me think of some of my most beloved “sisters”  (you know who you are) who have helped me walk up mountains, both literally and figuratively. I NEVER could have done the things my body commanded without them coaching me along. It’s lovely to think they have helped me to climb mountains, and will still be standing beside me on this great “adventure” I have found myself on. And there are so many sisters out there…I feel so lucky.

I am nearly seven weeks pregnant at this point (Jan. 1 ,2010). Writing it down brings tears to my eyes, and also tightens something in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I will save this passage as a DRAFT until my second ultrasound, as if writing it down might jinx our future. But I certainly hope not. Today I am on a precipice. I have made it this far. I see my Beloved  beside me and a looooong journey ahead for us. I see a tiny bit of light inside me and I hope it grows brighter each day.

I feel blessed to have gotten this far.

I can only report on what I am feeling at this moment and where we are at this point. After a long journey toward motherhood- considering single parenthood by choice,  adopting through foster care, and IUI and IVF as a middle-aged newlywed, I can only rejoice in this moment, this breath.

Everything has brought me here to this moment. We still have so far to climb to reach the summit, but I have never been this far.

Thank you for your blessings. i send them back to you!


Happy NEW Year!!!!!!

It’s a beautiful new morning of an exquisite new day of a fantastic NEW YEAR. Why do I say it’s a FANTASTIC new year when it’s only day 2? Because it’s NEW,baby!

It’s so fresh and ripe with possibilities. NEW is like getting a NEW haircut, or the most perfect bikini wax that makes you feel like your own version of a Victoria Secret model. NEW is like fitting into your skinny jeans- WITH ROOM TO SPARE. While I am nowhere near THAT on the skinny jeans front- thanks, IVF meds!- I can relish in the possibilities.

NEW is like actually going to the gym for a week straight (not me, yet) or finding a moment to read a good book by a fireplace.

NEW is reaffirming a love that’s been with you all along.


NEW is anything you want it to be……

I have written a post of two that are locked in the “vault” until we are back from our trip. The high speed internet service here is anything but. The Bear and I are in Pasadena, California, for a whirlwind holiday of family and friends. We’re going to see the Rose Bowl floats today, which I have longed to do since I was about 12 years old. Tomorrow we travel to Portland, Oregon, to check in on some friends, and some property we own. I guess I have to acknowledge that I won’t be moving back to Portland anytime soon, and that makes me a little sad because I love it so.

I do believe that if it did not rain for seven months out of the year , Portland would be the most populated city in the USA. It’s so lovely and hip and REAL. You can actually have an affordable life there and still eat fresh, organic food. : )

The Bear is snoring behind me on the Westin Heavenly bed. I think he’s a little dismayed that I found the INTERNET again. He’s had me all to himself for over a week!

I was trying to set up a TOP 10 of 2009 list for you, and I will do it when I get back. I attempted this earlier, but the internet just wasn’t speeding me along. Until then, please go over to my blogs CATEGORY CLOUD and check out IVF and The RED SOX and the postings from NEWLYWED DIARIES-YEAR 2. The SINGLE GIRL CONSIDERS ADOPTION and FILL YOUR CUP are also quite nice.

Sending you love.

What NEW do you want 2010 to feel like for you. “NEW is like….”

ICLW-A Little “(Baby got)Back Story”

I love this time of year. Besides the manic rush to fill everyone’s stocking with things they don’t need-I blog, and dream, and get lots of comments. I treasure every comment someone takes the time to leave behind as I do believe they fill me with some superpower juice. (Perhaps it’s just the meds).

The Bear does not understand my fascination with blogging (something, by the way, I thought I would NEVER do). G-d forbid he catches me tweeting. I tell him it’s kind of like his unbridled obsession with football, or with sugary breakfast cereal. “You know when you paint your belly blue and you go out there in the freezing cold and have a tailgate party at Gillette Stadium? ” I explain “All that (dare I say) brotherhood and bonding over pony kegs??? Well, that feeling you get is what blogging gives me (without the hangover).” 

A little hooyah for all my sisters on the “Visiting” team. Our stats might be questionable, but we are here to kick some @ss!!!!! 

Random strangers


And we don’t have to paint our bellies blue to do so!


For those of you visiting this blog for the first time, I wanted to give you a little backstory. I am a 41 year old newlywed. That might sound rather “golden aged” but I still get carded and have wonderful skin. I feel 28 on the inside when I am not pumped up on meds.

I always aspired to be a high powered career girl with many lovers and pool boys who would fan me with palm fronds. The career developed beyond my expectation, but the lovers were duds and no pool boys materialized. One day I read this ridiculous article in O Magazine where the writer suggested that if you put your INTENTIONS into the would, you would reap a bountiful harvest. She said you had to write a list of 100 things you hoped to find in a partner, to fully actualize your hope in your mind. I had nothing to loose, as I found the love-over-30’s dating scene to be somewhat lackluster, so I gave it a try. I got stuck around #64 I remember, but I mustered on. I remember asking that he “had a job”, “had nice hands”, “was devoted to his family” and “cracked me up” among more direct and personal hopes. (These hopes might seem simple and shallow but you would be AMAZED at some of singletons out there!) Writing this list made me feel somehow empowered. But as most “life changing” resolutions go, I quickly forgot about it.

About six months later, I met this crazy guy after a string of horrid internet dates. On our second date, he insisted on cooking dinner for me in my tiny condo. I noticed his big hands. As he passed me a glass of wine, I thought about my penchant for pool boys. Was this somewhat better?

After a few dates we began sharing our history. I told him things in the hope of scaring him away, so that I could resume my independent life. I mentioned that I had pursued adoption through foster care (then on hold), and had explored being a single mother by choice (unfortunate miscarriage). Surprisingly, he did not run screaming from my life. Instead, he somehow understood and expressed his desire to one-day become the father he always wanted to have. He was a keeper.

We were married five months later.

After we were married, I stumbled on that journal of “man-traits” as I was cleaning out the office. I was surprised to see that it felt as if I was describing him! The only pitfall- the “# 72.stylish dresser” is sometimes questionable, but hey, he still ROCKS in those nylon wind pants and that shade of acid washed jean will one day come back again!

So that’s our story. Fifteen months into our marriage and we have endured extensive prodding and poking (and not in the good way,) several losses and many bumps and cheers on the road to baby hood. We have also experienced countless tears and laughter. I would never want to do it with anyone else.

Write your list. Then throw it away. It probably won’t bring you additional luck, but it’s nice to put your hope and intention into the universe.

(Thanks Elizabeth) 

Wishing you joy.

The Clomid Kid

I love this article by Erica Noonan of the Boston Globe. You can find her online articles at this link.

Posted by Erica Noonan, Globe West August 10, 2009 12:20 PM


It’s a perfectly normal question. Every nearly 5-year-old boy asks it.

I just wish I had a normal answer.

As Dennis keeps dancing closer and closer to the question of where babies come from, my brain rushes furiously for an honest and age-appropriate response.

So far, the line of inquiry hasn’t gone much past:

“Was I borned?” (Yes)

“Was Lila borned?” (Yes, but she did NOT take three days of labor and two bags of Pitocin to come out, my love)

“Can we get ice cream?” (Sure)

But my days are numbered. More questions are coming.

And I can’t see casually telling a 4-year-old the truth:

“When Mama and Daddy (or someone’s mommy and mommy, or daddy and daddy, or whomever) really love each other they try to have a baby.”

“But when they can’t, they cry and fight a lot, then one of them makes the other one go a special doctor, who helps them out.”

“Then, Mama took some medicines that made her ovaries feel like lead weights. And Daddy asked why she was soooooo cranky the whole time.”

“But then Mama got you and was so happy about it, she promised never to ask the Universe for anything ever again. Except for Lila.”

“So the upshot is that without this freak stroke of luck — living in the early 21st century under generous Massachusetts health insurance laws that mandate full coverage for fertility therapy — you almost certainly never would never have existed.”

ICLW- We are Here!

Hi Ladies,

For those of you here from the ICLW, there are big cyber hugs here for you! I wish I could be like Oprah and buy everyone a car, or better yet, make your biggest hope come true. I bet if we all put our hopes into the universe, someone will hear us…

When I started this blog. I felt a little like the elephant  from “Horton Hears a Who”, listening closely to that little dustball of mine and wondering if there was life within it. Wondering if anyone would believe or care about my story. Then I met others. Others with similar hopes and dreams, and together we proclaimed “We are here! We are here!”

I have said before that there is strength in numbers. I believe that there is healing and power there too….

I started RubyFeather Social Club in Boston because I wanted to break through that fourth wall of isolation and anonymity  that IF brings,and proclaim “WE are here, and we matter.” I have realized through this group, that women have a wellspring of wisdom and strength, and sometimes that strength grows exponentially when we are together. (If you are in New England, we welcome you to RubyFeather. If you are not, you can join us on facebook…)

We all have different stories, and I treasure reading as many as I can find. Please leave a comment so I can find you in the blogosphere…

No mater what your journey, I wish you the greatest success, happiness and love!


Sleepy Hollow

I have so much to do today, but I need to “get this out”. I am not sure what words or patterns will form here, but I need to open the padlock to my hope chest and set a few butterflies free.

I tried to call my RE to postpone this IVF cycle. With the passing of my Uncle and the stresses at home and work, I just felt like it was all too much right now. I went over timing with the nurse and it’s pretty impossible to just push it out a month because their lab closes for the holidays and they have cutoff dates in November. If we wait until January we have to get approved again from our insurance, and our deductible will be HUGE.

blog woman_cryingMy body and mind need TIME, but there is now way to barter for time right now.

So we began the basline tests yesterday. I went to the Ultrasound lab at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston and tried to send a little good energy to the ladies who sat near me in the waiting room. I need to reach out with a smile and a whisper of “good luck” to my sisters on this journey, because I know how desperately I flourish under the support and kindness of others.

We started the Gonal F last night and now do menopur in the am. That sh!# burns! Tomorrow I may have to give myself the injection (and it scares me). Me, in my seemingly professional power-suit, sweating and shaking over the kitchen sink with a needle in my belly. The image makes me want to cry…

Breathe, kiddo. That’s about all you can do right now.

Gosh, I could use a hug (or a valium : ) )!

Join RubyFeather


We’ve just created  a social club for baby-makin’ ladies who would like to meet in a positive setting and share stories, encouragement and adventures. We will host monthly socials and  outings in the Boston metro area. We have members from NH, Maine and Mass. All are welcome.

For more information, feel free to email me at and be sure to check out the link below for event details:

New to Boston! RubyFeather hopes to engage and empower women who are experiencing the ups and downs of  adding on to their families. We believe that we are stronger together, than individually. We are here to offer you some good energy, and some girl power. We meet up for coffee-talk, mocktails, mixers and outings. Whether you are single, married, gay, or straight, you are welcome. Whether your journey is through IVF, IUI, adoption, or the traditional method we encourage you to join us. We are not a “group therapy session” but a group of strong ladies who believe laughter and encouragement is the best medicine