Posts Tagged ‘ultrasound’

12 Week Ultrasound (Photos attached)

It feels like ages since I have written.

We had our 12 week ultrasound on Monday and it was really transformational. I did not expect to see a baby that looked so “complete” and well formed. They had to move him (or her) to do some measurements, and they pushed on my belly like I was a waterbed mattress. Sure enough, Baby Beluga turned his head and did a little victory dance for the camera. I had never seen him move before, so it really took my breath away. He looked perfect to me.

I can’t begin to tell you the new feelings that are surfacing for me. The need to protect him from harm. The unconditional love. The complete humility that we are blessed with this gift. I remain awestruck by it all.

I have attached a photo. I hope it is not offensive to anyone. It just helps me to reaffirm that it is all “real”.

Love and best wishes,

Shell & The Bear

Happy Joy

It’s raining chickens out there today but I can’t help but be joyful.

We had our first meeting with our new OB, Dr. Feelgood . I have to admit that I LOVED HER! I was so worried because I over-googled her for patient reviews,and didn’t know what to make of all the chatter out there. I was so damn impressed. I loved her directness and her spirit. She didn’t even mind that I had a nervous laugh through the whole ultrasound.

Baby Beluga is doing very well. Today he looked like a Jumbo-head.  Just a big, “Great Oz” style head floating head in a sea of  amniotic fluid. Dr. Feelgood assures me that he has a body attached to him somewhere.

I was so relieved to know that he/she is well and still happy. I always get nervous before a Dr. visit. I love him so much, and it was so good to see his little face. I ache so much and have hoped for this for so very long. I am hoping and praying that all my sisters on this journey will have magic baby dust this year. 

I realized that I have never felt so “protective” about another being in my whole, life. I guess this is a preview about  what the future will feel like…

Beautiful worm!

I have not slept all week! Today was our week 7.5 ultrasound , the one where they look for a heartbeat. Everyone I spoke with made THIS appointment seem somewhat apocalyptic. I figured either the angels would come down and blow trumpets in my face, or the earth would crack open and swallow me while spread eagle in the stirrups.

I feared the latter. Too many baby books siting statistics on losses at this point.

Well I am happy to say that neither took place. No angles, just a beaming Bear of a Husband and a little nubbin on an ultrasound screen that looked like a mushy blob. I could also say it looked somewhat like a worm or a maggot (but in the sweetest way). I guess I thought it might have a big monster face and cute little arm buds now. I cried and nearly wet my pants. My nubbin was 1 cm big and had a powerful heartbeat of 153! That’s more than I usually have on the stair master!

I’m exhausted, but elated. I celebrated with a double serving of lowfat chocolate milk. We have a due date at the end of summer, right before our anniversary. Finger still crossed, still a long way to climb!

We have officially graduated from the Center For Infertility and Reproductive Medicine at Harvard. I have been with them for so many years, through countless experiences. Feels like the safety net is being taken away and we are back on solid ground. Still trying to safely cross the street.

I am wishing you all the happiness in the world.

Make it a Dozen!

I have 10 egglets so far! Just little seedlings of things to come but the RE said it’s very promising. They lowered my stim meds because my estrodial level was soaring too quickly. They called me a high responder? Sounds like the nerdy kid at the front of the classroom with her eager  hand up in the air  (yes that WAS me! Nerdy girl).

I just wish that the quality of my old eggs matches my body’s enthusiasm.


To have found love at 40 and be trying to conceive at 41. It’s kinda crazy. I have colleagues at work with pre-teens with body hair. But hey, I always imagined I’d be successful and unattached, travel the world and have many lovers. I was lucky in the regard that I DID get to live the life I longed for. I checked off many of the boxes on my life-list and eventually I decided to rewrite my list. I remember telling a friend, who was struggling in an unhealthy relationship, to figure out where he wanted to be on the day he died, and work backwards. I realized I needed to heed my own advice and decide what stories I wanted to have at the end of my life. 

That story led me to where I am today. 

If I am indeed “working backwards” than I know intuitively what I hope lies ahead. I don’t know how I will get there yet, but I am happy to be on this journey toward a deeper truth.

So my 10 little egglets are making their way in the world. The Bear came with me to the ultrasound today but I couldn’t stop laughing when it was time for the dildocam. There’s something about your lover seeing you with your legs in the air and a plastic probe under your gown that really makes you self-conscious (you THINK!!!!). And the gown- Jeezus- that’s the first thing I’d like to redesign! How bout something RED and fabulous for all of us strong, mighty bitches out there!

(I mean bitches in the nicest way- if you are on meds I am sure you know that!)

Sleepy Hollow

I have so much to do today, but I need to “get this out”. I am not sure what words or patterns will form here, but I need to open the padlock to my hope chest and set a few butterflies free.

I tried to call my RE to postpone this IVF cycle. With the passing of my Uncle and the stresses at home and work, I just felt like it was all too much right now. I went over timing with the nurse and it’s pretty impossible to just push it out a month because their lab closes for the holidays and they have cutoff dates in November. If we wait until January we have to get approved again from our insurance, and our deductible will be HUGE.

blog woman_cryingMy body and mind need TIME, but there is now way to barter for time right now.

So we began the basline tests yesterday. I went to the Ultrasound lab at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston and tried to send a little good energy to the ladies who sat near me in the waiting room. I need to reach out with a smile and a whisper of “good luck” to my sisters on this journey, because I know how desperately I flourish under the support and kindness of others.

We started the Gonal F last night and now do menopur in the am. That sh!# burns! Tomorrow I may have to give myself the injection (and it scares me). Me, in my seemingly professional power-suit, sweating and shaking over the kitchen sink with a needle in my belly. The image makes me want to cry…

Breathe, kiddo. That’s about all you can do right now.

Gosh, I could use a hug (or a valium : ) )!