The snow outside is exquisite. It blankets our yard, and gentle shadows cascade across its surface. I want to roll around in it. Taste it. Come in chilled and wet and exhilarated.
I realized this week that I have been motivated (and often immobilized) by fear. Anxiety about “the worst” happening has seemed to put me in retrograde. Everyone has one of those fault lines. The dark crevass of our psyche where the “worst case sinario” seems to beckon, exascerbating our fears. My family is wonderful and healthy, my marriage solid, my job is exciting. Still, when you have spent your life building things up, you sometimes get consumed by the idea that they can so easily come tumbling down.
I have realized that in my quest to keep everything moving, I am beginning to loose pieces of myself. In fact, some things are moving in the wrong direction! I am like a hiker that has made it to the summit, only to find that she’s climbing the wrong mountain! Although the view is lovely, there are some things that I have lost along the way. I need to pack up, and lighten the load, and make it back down the hill. I’ll only carry what is necessary, like my child and my values. I’ll walk in step with my husband. At times, we can coax the other on, when one feels they cannot continue. When we get back down to the base camp we will decide what we really need for our next adventure. We will leave the gunk behind, pack a little lighter, and set out for the true summit. We will rest, breathe deep and take time for love. This adventure is not time bound!
So, here I go. being a little vague because I have to be. Just know that I will take you with me. And the view along the way, though rough at times, will be lovely.
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